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LOVE Guide for DOGS of 2006

Love

In love, faithfulness will be highlighted and constitute the essential element of amorous happiness. On the contrary, those who are not sincere or who refuse to commit themselves are likely to encounter disappointments or frustrations. As a consequence, the number of marriages will increase in a significant way as compared to the previous years, whereas that of divorces or breaking-offs will be sensibly on the decrease.
For all of us, the power of seduction will be strengthened. Conjugal life, even though it may not resemble a long, peaceful river, will prove quite satisfying; one will appreciate the happiness to live as a couple. And if you’re among lonely hearts, the planets could very well reserve you a decisive encounter in the course of the year, notably during the spring. Heaven will leave you the choice between love at first sight and a relation that will grow quietly; whatever you’ll choose, it will make you happy. The marriages contracted this year are promised to great happiness.

More of this…. check on http://www.asiaflash.com/rao/2006_dog.shtml, they provide guides on how to make use of what the YEAR owes you!

t’was the night before Christmas: A Transformers Poem I found in the Net

t’was the night before Christmas
by Starhorse
visit her at www.lambotricks.com

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through ‘Con base,
Not a Big-D was stirring, not even the tapes.
The weapons were all hung in the armory with care,
In hopes that world conquest would soon be theirs.

The seekers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While dreams of dead Lambo twins danced in their heads.
And Soundwave with Ravage, and I with my cannon,
Had just settled down in a recharging station,

When out on the hull, there arose such a clatter,
Waking me with its insolent patter.
My beauty sleep ruined, my repose all wrecked,
I ran to the monitor to see what the heck -

Those fools! The Autobots - I knew it was them,
Troubling my sleep with some pathetic plan.
I wanted to blast them to puddles of slag,
But what I saw next made me puzzle and gape:

A cranky old elf in his sleigh, crying, “Gar!”
Was being pulled by eight shiny sports cars.
Quick as torpedoes his coursers, they came,
And he cursed and he ranted, and called them by name;

“On Datsuns, on Lambos, on Porsche and Corvette!
On Lancia and Ligier, now move your big butts!
Mush on, or I swear by Primus’ toes,
I’ll rebuild each one of you into Yugos!”

My processor told me to shoot them all dead,
But the sight of them all left me speechless instead.
Up to the top of ‘Con tower they flew,
Sleigh full of strange stuff, and that cranky elf, too.

In one astrosecond, I heard way up high
The prancing and pawing of each little tire.
Intruders! I growled, but as I spun around,
Down ‘Con tower the elf came with a bound.

He was all shiny white from his head to his foot,
A red cross on each shoulder, and a chevron to boot.
A bundle of things he had flung on his back -
What was that fool ‘Bot doing with that strange sack?

“Don’t shoot!” he cried, and made me take pause,
“I’m no mere Autobot, but St. Ratchet Clause!
I come bearing gifts to spread holiday cheer,
And rewards for how good you’ve all been this past year!”

Then he sashayed away, and before I could shoot,
Began flinging these ‘gifts’ all over the room.
Glad boxes with bows - what madness could this be?
And what was that ‘Bot doing with that slagging pine tree?

I had just started to think that this elf was on crack,
When he tossed me a gift that read, ‘Love from Wheeljack’.
Then I knew I’d been had, but before I could run,
The ‘Bot winked, and up the tower he jumped.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a bark,
And off they zoomed away to the Ark.
But I heard him bellow, ‘fore I could start gunnin’,
“Merry Christmas to All - And You Might Wanna Start Runnin’!”

Characters ©Hasbro. Fiction by The Starhorse.

Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Nike’s “When The Caged Bird is Let Free”

When The Caged Bird is Let Free

Searching for a way out of this nightmare,

I cry until I cry no more,

Oh, how I wish for freedom in this life,

Hoping, searching, all day and all night.

Living a lie,

Living in fear,

Running from everyone,

But the ones I trust.

Flying through a small opening,

I find a way out,

Only to get stuck,

But I keep trying ‘til I became free.

Finally, I am free,

Soaring in the high clouds above,

Breathing the fresh air,

I wished for freedom.

Though I got it,

I felt as if I were still caged,

My heart and mind soared beyond belief,

Making me feel that I was free,

Life became a dream to me.

By Nike

Ken’s Christmas List! :o)

Ken
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245

Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 1998

Dear Santa:

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically
asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take
this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential
treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have
a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered “Decorator Ken”, “Beauty Salon
Ken”, or “Out Of Work Actor Ken”? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as “S&M Ken” , “Green Lantern Ken”, “Circuit Ken”, “Bear Ken”, “Master Ken”.
These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
needing bendable arms so she can “push me away,” I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to
the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we’ve talked about this
issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result
in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he’s mine, at least
that’s what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

I was left for dead

I was left for dead
by Nike

I was left for dead

blood was shed.

Last beats of my hearts

were left to part.

You were the only one

to come..

come to save me.

Don’t leave me,

You are my only key.

My key to live.

We shall never part,

We are bound by our hearts.

Destiny will take hold,

No longer shall I be cold.

Barbies letter to Santa

A friend send this to me… READ!

Barbies letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don’t want to be around to smell it!) So, here’s my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man….maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what’s with the earring
anyway? If I’m going to have to suffer with him, for christ’s sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90’s persona. Maybe a “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or “Stop
Smoking Barbie”, sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that’s it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line.

Yours truly,
Barbie

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes…

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

My opinion on KINGKONG

Have you seen KINGKONG??? Damn, if not, I tell you, you’ve been missing a piece of your life! Action filled movie with twist you wouldn’t believe possible. Director Peter Jackson also of LOTR is just simply, a great director. Naomi Watts is gorgeous and they do have a perfect casting. KingKong is absolutely believable. The romantic relationship between Jack and Ann felt natural and they were good in letting me feel afraid, suspensed and in love. New York’s scenes were exceptional up until the end. All in all it was a great movie from a great director and an outstanding cast. Two thumbs up!

Don’t Choke

Two cowboys walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her. “Kin ya swaller?” asks one of the cowboys. No, signals the woman, desperately shaking her head. “Kin ya breathe?” asks the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bitblue, shakes her head. “No” again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her knickers, and slowly runs his tongue up and down the woman’s behind. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy slowly walks back over to the bar and proudly takes a drink of his beer. His partner says in admiraton, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.”