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THIS IS GOOD!!!

This IS GOOD!!!

There once was a king who favoured one of his advisors very much because he was very wise and always gave useful advice. The king took him along wherever he went.

One day, the king was bitten on the finger by a dog, and the wound quickly got infected. He asked the advisor if it was a bad sign. The advisor said, “This is good!”

The king’s finger subsequently got so badly infected that it had to be
amputated. The king asked the advisor again if this was a bad sign. Again, he said “This is good!” By this time, the king had lost his patience and sent the advisor to prison.

One day, the king went hunting in the jungle. In pursuit of a deer, he
ventured deeper and deeper into the jungle, where he got lost. To make matters worse, he was captured by the natives who lived inside the jungle. They were about to sacrifice him to their god, but when they noticed that the king was one finger short, they released him immediately. Apparently, he was no longer a “whole” person and was deemed unsuitable for sacrifice.

The king finally understood his advisor’s wise response “This is good!” If he hadn’t been bitten by the dog, he wouldn’t have lost his finger, and if he hadn’t lost his finger, he would have been sacrificed by the natives.

He ordered the release of the advisor and apologized to him. But to the king’s amazement, the advisor was not upset at all. Instead, he said, “It was a good thing you had me locked up.”

“And why is that?” asked the monarch.

And the advisor replied, “Because if you hadn’t locked me up, I would have followed you into the jungle. And since you were unsuitable for sacrifice, the natives would have offered me up instead!”

Nothing that happens in this world can be judged as absolutely good or bad. Taken in the right spirit, everything that happens can eventually lead to a positive thing. So when something unfortunate happens to you, don’t despair? It might turn out to be a blessing after all.

The Real Story of Billy The Kid

The Real Story of Billy The Kid

Billy was born in New Mexico under the name of William Bonnie. He rode a big Clydesdale horse named Clyde. He is the only gunfighter known to have ridden a Clydesdale. Clyde wasn’t fast but he was so big he could crash right through the wall of a house, a barn, or a bar if necessary. Billy hated the name Bonnie because it was a girl’s name and the other gunfighters were always teasing him about it. When they saw him riding into town, they would say, “Here comes Bonnie and Clyde.” This really made him mad because he hated the real Bonnie and Clyde for having a car that could outrun his horse. He never forgave his mother for naming him Bonnie. He changed his name to Billy The Kid and swore to shoot anybody who called him Bonnie again. During his short life span, he shot 21 men for calling him Bonnie. The only people who could call him Bonnie without getting shot were his mother and his best friend Pat Garrett. Pat called him Bonnie just to aggravate him. One day Billy made the mistake of calling Pat Garrett “Pattie.” Pat Garrett shot him dead. They sent his body to Ireland to be buried with his ancestors. His mother and Pat Garrett got together and wrote a famous song in memory of Billy. The song is called “My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean.”

Classic Top 30 Lousiest Jokes we hate so much

Classic Top 30 Lousiest Jokes we hate so much:

30.Why do elephants eat peanuts? because they ran out of dijon mustard and buns.

29.Who invented the telephone? Alexander Graham bell.

28.When did the bum from kenora eat scuff from the sidewalk? dinner

27.Why did the titanic sink? because the people were all fat.

26.Americans are so retarted that they’re anthem is about a banner! probably full of crap.

25.1 jew and 1 american walking down the street. 1 guy says: pass the schtikel. 2nd guy says: im jew not you.

24.Tin boats conduct electricity. tell that to mother earth.

23.When did mr. walkings eat dinner? lunch, hes really old.

22.How did the king win the bet? he said whoever is a king wins.

21.How do you catch a butterfly? stick a fly in butter.

20.What did the footclimber say to the handclimber? I would rather have a treadmill.

19.What did the ATM machine say when you put money in the machine? i dont know.

18.What did the wood maker make? plastic wood

17.TGIF fridays changed my life forever, now i can play computer instead of watching TGIF fridays.

16.Why do pigs oink? because they dont take cough medicine.

15.What did the barber say to the school bus driver when he lost his sissors? Where’s my sissors?

14.What did the school bus driver say to the barber? Wheres my bus!!!???

13.Why is zee in the alphabet? stupid americans!

12.What did the conductor say to the man with a new hat? nice hat.

11.What time did the stupid american Sleep in to on sunday night? 9 am.

10.How did the cow jump? upwards.

9.When did dino fix his clock? Whos Dino?

8.Say do you know Dan? yep.

7.Who was the dumbass american who put the glow on the hockey puck? Stevie Wonder.

6.Why did they put p in my alphabet soup?

5.Why did mr. Jemima marry his aunt? He was running out of syrop.

4.Why is the Dominican Republic so poor? Because Dominic got robbed.

3.Why did Jenny Craig start a exercise program for fat people? her mom.

2.Wesley Wiliss music is so bad, Eminem became his best friend.(for oncce they have something in common, bad music)

1.What do you get when you cross Britney Spears, Puff Daddy, a bearcage, the nerdy kid from Beethoven and a little bag of M+Ms?
You get Britney Spears and Puff Daddy shoving M+Ms down the nerdy kid from Beethovens throat as Britney spears chants : We Want Nerdy kid naked in a bear cage! and watches Puff Daddy stripping the nerdy kid and throwing him in the bear cage full of bears.

The World’s WORST Pickup lines

The World’s WORST Pickup lines:

You are like Nando’s… a hot bird with a greasy box.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside the Waterfront, so that I could ride you all day long for a rand.

Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.

Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and coming and going and coming and going and coming …….

I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

Is that Windolene? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Hey baby, what’s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead ………. yield?

Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you’ll be screaming it all night long!!!

Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

Beethoven Backwards

Beethoven Backwards (A joke about the famous composer Beethoven’s death)

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker. “He’s just decomposing”

One interesting fact bout Adolf Hitler

Adolph Hitler had a half brother named Alois Hitler, he owned a bar in Germany that was frequented by prominent Nazi officials. Alois would never share his opinion on Adolph because he was afraid Adolph would revoke his liquor license!

THE WORLD’S GREATEST IDIOTS

THE WORLD’S GREATEST IDIOTS

Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with “Please turn

over” written on both sides.

* * *

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so

he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get

another hundred chickens because the first lot

had died.
Another month passes and he’s back at the dealers

for another hundred chickens, “I think I know

where I’m going wrong” he tells the dealer,
“I think I’m planting them too deep.”

* * *

Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his

pick.

* * *

Did you here about the idiot who won the ‘Tour De

France’?
He did a lap of Honour!

* * *

Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!

A quote for the day

“The True measure of life is not how many people know our Name, But; how many lives we touched in the end….”

Take very good care of your pet!

The Scottish Terrier has a harsh, wiry outercoat and a soft, dense undercoat. A twice weekly brushing will help to keep the coat free of tangles, though extra attention is needed during the shedding seasons. Professional trimming is usually needed twice a year. Baths or dry shampoos can be given when needed. Get your scotty groomed at one of our many dog grooming facilities.

More grooming tips on www.bestfriendspetcare.com

:P

Some Bad Quotes That Had the People who said it wished that they Hadn’t Said that Later…

Bad Quotes
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
(Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949)
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
(Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943)

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
(The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957)

“But what … is it good for?”
(Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.)

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
(Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977)

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”
(Bill Gates, 1981 apocryphal)

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”
(Western Union internal memo, 1876.)

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
(David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.)

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”
(A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.))

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”
(H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.)

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”
(Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”)

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.”
(Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.)

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
(Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.)

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
(Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.)

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.”
(Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.)

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’”
(Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.)

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.”
(1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.)

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.”
(Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.)

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.”
(Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.)

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.”
(Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.)

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.”
(Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.)

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
(Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.)

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”.
(Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.)

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”.
(Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.)