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One-liners worth passing on…

May 3, 2006 on 8:20 am | In Surfers Voice, Jokes |

One-liners worth passing on…

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In two words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. SHIT HAPPENS!.

Accept than some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

If you can’t be the tablecloth, don’t be the dishrag.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There’s no real need to do housework — after four years it doesn’t get any worse.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

You’ll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Don’t hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.

Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.

Don’t cook tonight — starve a rat today!

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.