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What Adults Eventually Learn About the Great Things in Life

What Adults Eventually Learn About the Great Things in Life

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere…and let the air out of their tires.

Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Some Ways To Say Someone is Stupid Without the Idiot Knowing It

Some Ways To Say Someone is Stupid Without the Idiot Knowing It

A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

A prime candidate for natural DE-selection.

One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Donated his body to scientists - before he was done using it.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He’s so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It’s hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

One Liners That I can’t get out of my Sick Mind…

One Liners That I can’t get out of my Sick Mind

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3. Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4. Deja Moo. The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re ok, you’re it.

6. Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bad check.

7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

My love quote for this day!

Where there is love there is life.

- Mohandas Gandhi

The World’s WORST Pickup lines

The World’s WORST Pickup lines:

You are like Nando’s… a hot bird with a greasy box.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

I’m new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside the Waterfront, so that I could ride you all day long for a rand.

Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.

Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and coming and going and coming and going and coming …….

I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

Is that Windolene? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Hey baby, what’s your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead ………. yield?

Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you’ll be screaming it all night long!!!

Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

A quote for the day

“The True measure of life is not how many people know our Name, But; how many lives we touched in the end….”

Some Bad Quotes That Had the People who said it wished that they Hadn’t Said that Later…

Bad Quotes
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
(Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949)
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
(Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943)

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
(The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957)

“But what … is it good for?”
(Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.)

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
(Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977)

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”
(Bill Gates, 1981 apocryphal)

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.”
(Western Union internal memo, 1876.)

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
(David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.)

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”
(A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.))

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?”
(H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.)

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”
(Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”)

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.”
(Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.)

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.”
(Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.)

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
(Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.)

“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this.”
(Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.)

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.’”
(Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.)

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.”
(1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.)

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.”
(Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.)

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.”
(Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.)

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.”
(Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.)

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.”
(Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.)

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
(Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.)

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”.
(Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.)

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”.
(Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.)

Steve Martin’s Quote!

“There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.”

HoneyMooners!

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking the shit out of my ducks!”