Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In two words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. SHIT HAPPENS!.

Accept than some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

If you can’t be the tablecloth, don’t be the dishrag.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There’s no real need to do housework — after four years it doesn’t get any worse.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

You’ll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Don’t hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.

Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.

Don’t cook tonight — starve a rat today!

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.

People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

No matter what happens… somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

We’ve come up with a few excuses to help get you out of work during these glorious summer months. We’ve used the very elements of summer to help you get some more time hanging out poolside, getting a tan, swimming at the beach, or whatever floats your boat in the heat of these sizzling summer days. All we know is that you don’t want to be at the office. In pants. Or shoes. Or maybe clothes altogether, for that matter.

Long live the summer. Make it last, and make the most of it.Find that bar with the patio and order some nice cold onesevery damn sun setting, royal blue sky night. Yes!

Here are the excuses:

“It was so hot yesterday that the wool suit I was wearing gave me this horrible rash. I don’t think I can make it into the office. My face and neck are just covered with this rash, and my legs as well. I think I’d really scare people, and it’s just itchy as all hell…”

“I fell asleep in the sun yesterday, and I’ve got a really bad sunburn. I can barely move, and I think I might have to go to the doctor.” (Of course, this means you have to go spend some time in the sun on your day off. Poor you.)

“My air conditioner must have blown out a fuse, and so my alarm clock didn’t go off this morning. And it got so stuffy in my apartment that it must have made me really oversleep. I can’t believe it’s almost noon… and I’m just totally dehydrated and not feeling too well. I don’t think I’ll be able to come in at all today.”

“I was doing volunteer community clean up work in the sun all day yesterday, and I worked myself so hard that I think I’m suffering from heatstroke. I’m not feeling well, so I better stay home today, just to make sure I’m okay.”

“I was swimming in the ocean yesterday, and I accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of salt water, and I’m not feeling too well today. Real queasy. I’m sure it’s nothing but I better stay home, drink lots of water, and rest up. I’m sure I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

“My cat usually goes outside during the day while I’m at work, but right after I let him out, I realized how hot it was outside, and I just knew he should not be out in heat like this. I’ll come in as soon as I can, but I’ve got to find my cat. He just took off. I can’t find him. He’s a really furry cat and I just know he won’t do well in this heat. I’m so worried. I better get off the phone so I can keep looking for him.”

“I was rushing to get to work and I jumped into the car and the car seat was so hot that I burned the back of my legs. They’re all red and swollen and sore, so I think I’m going to have to let them heal today. It’s no big deal - I just wouldn’t be able to sit at my desk all day. But I’ll be in tomorrow.”

“I was walking around barefoot yesterday and I stepped on a nail. I could barely walk yesterday, and today it’s just a little bit better. I should be fine by tomorrow, but today, well, it still kind of hurts, and I also have to go to the doctor to get a tetanus shot.”

I meant to be their very best friend,
always there to help them,
but all they do is backstab
and expect you to like them.

I can no longer trust,
What will this do?
To feel this pain at
such a young age.

If friends are meant to
Make your life great,
Why does it feel like
You are in hell everyday?

My other friends suffer,
from my angriness,
but they don’t understand
and they can’t make
the pain go away.

Time heals all wounds they say,
so why does it take longer then today.
Everyday I see them,
It is so painful.

Please let the pain go away
And let me learn to trust again.

On July 22nd I was in route to Washington, DC for a business trip. It
was all so very ordinary, until we landed in
Denver for a plane change. As I collected my belongings from the
overhead bin, an announcement was made for Mr.
Lloyd Glenn to see the United Customer Service Representative
immediately. I thought nothing of it until I
reached the door to leave the plane and I heard a gentleman asking
every male if he were Mr. Glenn. At this point
I knew something was wrong and my heart sunk.

When I got off the plane a solemn-faced young man came toward me and
said, “Mr.
Glenn, there is an emergency at your home. I do not know what the
emergency is, or who is involved, but I will
take you to the phone so you can call the hospital.” My heart was now
pounding, but the will to be calm took
over. Woodenly, I followed this stranger to the distant telephone
where I called the number he gave me for the
Mission Hospital. My call was put through to the trauma center where I
learned that my three-year-old son had been
trapped underneath the automatic garage door for several minutes, and
that when my wife had found him he was dead.
CPR had been performed by a neighbor, who is a doctor, and the
paramedics had continued the treatment as Brian was
transported to the hospital.

By the time of my call, Brian was revived and they believed he would
live, but they did not know how much damage
had been done to his brain, nor to his heart. They explained that the
door had completely closed on his little
sternum right over his heart. He had been severely crushed. After
speaking with the medical staff, my wife sounded
worried but not hysterical, and I took comfort in her calmness.

The return flight seemed to last forever, but finally I arrived at the
hospital six hours after the garage door
had come down. When I walked into the intensive care unit, nothing
could have prepared me to see my little son
laying so still on a great big bed with tubes and monitors everywhere.
He was on a respirator. I glanced at my
wife who stood and tried to give me a reassuring smile. It all seemed
like a terrible dream. I was filled-in with
the details and given a guarded prognosis. Brian was going to live,
and the preliminary tests indicated that his
heart was OK, two miracles in and of themselves. But only time would
tell if his brain received any damage.

Throughout the seemingly endless hours, my wife was calm. She felt
that Brian would eventually be all right. I
hung on to her words and faith like a lifeline. All that night and the
next day Brian remained unconscious. It
seemed like forever since I had left for my business trip the day
before.

Finally at two o’clock that afternoon, our son regained consciousness
and sat up uttering the most beautiful words
I have ever heard spoken. He said, “Daddy hold me” and he reached for
me with his little arms.

[TEAR BREAK…smile]

By the next day he was pronounced as having no neurological or
physical deficits, and the story of his miraculous
survival spread throughout the hospital. You cannot imagine, we took
Brian home, we felt a unique reverence for
the life and love of our Heavenly Father that comes to those who brush
death so closely.

In the days that followed there was a special spirit about our home.
Our two older children were much closer to
their little brother. My wife and I were much closer to each other,
and all of us were very close as a whole
family. Life took on a less stressful pace. Perspective seemed to be
more focused, and balance much easier to gain
and maintain. We felt deeply blessed. Our gratitude was truly
profound.

The story is not over (smile)!

Almost a month later to the day of the accident, Brian awoke from his
afternoon nap and said, “Sit down Mommy.. I
have something to tell you.” At this time in his life, Brian usually
spoke in small phrases, so to say a large
sentence surprised my wife. She sat down with him on his bed, and he
began his sacred and remarkable story.

“Do you remember when I got stuck under the garage door? Well, it was
so heavy and it hurt really bad. I called to
you, but you couldn’t hear me.. I started to cry, but then it hurt too
bad. And then the ‘birdies’ came.”

“The birdies?” my wife asked puzzled.

“Yes,” he replied. “The birdies made a whooshing sound and flew into
the garage. They took care of me.”

“They did?”

“Yes,” he said. “One of the birdies came and got you. She came to tell
you “I got stuck under the door.” A sweet
reverent feeling filled the room. The spirit was so strong and yet
lighter than air. My wife realized that a
three-year-old had no concept of death and spirits, so he was
referring to the beings who came to him from beyond
as “birdies” because they were up in the air like birds that fly..
“What did the birdies look like?” she asked.

Brian answered, “They were so beautiful. They were dressed in white,
all white. Some of them had green and white.
But some of them had on just white.”

“Did they say anything?”

“Yes,” he answered. “They told me the baby would be all right.”

“The baby?” my wife asked confused.

Brian answered. “The baby laying on the garage floor.” He went on,
“You came out and opened the garage door and
ran to the baby. You told the baby to stay and not leave.”

My wife nearly collapsed upon hearing this, for she had indeed gone
and knelt beside Brian’s body and seeing his
crushed chest whispered, “Don’t leave us Brian, please stay if you
can.” As she listened to Brian telling her the
words she had spoken, she realized that the spirit had left His body
and was looking down from above on this
little lifeless form.. “Then what happened?” she asked.

“We went on a trip,” he said, “far, far away.” He grew agitated trying
to say the things he didn’t seem to have
the words for. My wife tried to calm and comfort him, and let him know
it would be okay. He struggled with wanting
to tell something that obviously was very important to him, but
finding the words was difficult.

“We flew so fast up in the air. They’re so pretty Mommy,” he added.

“And there are lots and lots of birdies.” My wife was stunned. Into
her mind the sweet comforting spirit enveloped
her more soundly, but with an urgency she had never before known.
Brian went on to tell her that the “birdies” had
told him that he had to come back and tell everyone about the
“birdies.” He said they brought him back to the
house and that a big fire truck, and an ambulance were there. A man
was bringing the baby out on a white bed and
he tried to tell the man that the baby would be okay. The story went
on for an hour.

He taught us that “birdies” were always with us, but we don’t see them
because we look with our eyes and we don’t
hear them because we listen with our ears. But they are always there,
you can only see them in here (he put his
hand over his heart). They whisper the things to help us to do what is
right because they love us so much. Brian
continued, stating, “I have a plan, Mommy. You have a plan.. Daddy has
a plan. Everyone has a plan. We must all
live our plan and keep our promises. The birdies help us to do that
cause they love us so much.”

In the weeks that followed, he often came to us and told all, or part
of it, again and again. Always the story
remained the same. The details were never changed or out of order. A
few times he added further bits of
information and clarified the message he had already delivered. It
never ceased to amaze us how he could tell such
detail and speak beyond his ability when he talked about his birdies.

Everywhere he went, he told strangers about the “birdies.”
Surprisingly, no one ever looked at him strangely when
he did this. Rather, they always got a softened look on their face and
smiled. Needless to say, we have not been
the same ever since that day, and I pray we never will be.

You have just been sent an Angel to watch over you. Some people come
into our lives and quickly go…Some people
become friends and stay a while…leaving beautiful footprints on our
hearts … and we are never quite the same
because we have made a good friend!!

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That’s why
it’s called the present! Live and savor
every moment…this is not a dress rehearsal! THIS IS A SPECIAL
GUARDIAN ANGEL…

YOU MUST PASS THIS ON TO 5 PEOPLE WITHIN THE HOUR OF RECEIVING
HER…IF YOU HAVE PASSED HER ON, SHE’LL WATCH OVER
YOU FOREVER…IF NOT, HER TEARS WILL FLOW…

Now don’t delete this message, because it comes from a very special
Angel.

Good girls say “thanks for a wonderful dinner”…
Bad girls say, “what’s for breakfast?”

Good girls never go after another girl’s man…
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties…
Bad girls don’t wear any.

Good girls wax their floors…
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot…
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner…
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies…
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss…
Bad girls never do either, unless he’s very, very rich.

Good girls believe you’re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls…
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love italian food…
Bad girls love italian waiters.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say “See that chicken there….I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.”

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can’t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?