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Sorry this is in danish.

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The Difference Between Fake Ass Friends and REAL Friends

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: are the reason you have no food.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM (or just hide from them)

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Would sit next to you sayin “Damn … we fucked up … but that shit was fun!”….HELL YES

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: cry with you

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: keep your shit so long they forget its yours.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say “Bitch drink the rest of that you know we don’t waste.”…

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Would ignore this
REAL FRIENDS: Will repost it

Questions that have Confused humankind!!

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say “See that chicken there….I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s butt.”

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn’t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can’t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Totally Useless Info

1. Coca-cola was originally green.

2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.

3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.

4. Dumbest dog: Afghan

5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2

8. Amount American Airlines saved in ‘87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000

9. City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita: Hong Kong

10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4

12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12

13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%

16. Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%

19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%

20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC

21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%

22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%

23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%

24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%

25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105

26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%

29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3

31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3

32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald’s each day: 7

33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%

34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%

35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%

36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5

37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.

38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3

39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon

40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt

41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for “Profiles in Courage”

42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals

43. Only food that does not spoil: honey

44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)

45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird

46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica

47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig

48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

51. Polar bears are left-handed.

52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

53. Eskimos never gamble.

54. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

56. Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school.

57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.

60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.

61. Hot water is heavier than cold.

62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.

63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.

64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.

65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.

66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.

67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was “Tom Sawyer.”

68. There are more collect calls on Father’s Day than any other day of the year.

69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.

70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

71. Men get hiccups more often than women.

72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

Mounting in the Out back…

An English taxidermist, is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and, in his well educated voice, asks the bartender, “May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man.”
One of the locals says to his mates, “Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man’s drink is that?”

Then, turning to the Englishman, “Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?”

“Ac…actually,” the englishman, terrified, replies, “I’m a taxidermist.”

“Oh yeah? And what’s a taxidermist, then?”

“I mount d..d..dead animals.”

“It’s alright, cobbers,” says the local, turning to his mates, “he’s one of us!”

A- Damn good in bed
B-You are always fun when it comes to meeting
new people.
C-Your wild and crazy
D- Damn good in bed.
E-You’re Super cool.
F-People totally adore you
G-Love is something you deeply believe in.
H-You have very good personality and looks.
I-You have a nice ass
J-Everyone loves you.
K- You like to try new things
L-You are so damn sexy
M-success comes easily to you.
N-You have a BIG warm Heart
O-You love foreplay
P-You are popular with all types of people.
Q-You are a hypocrite.
R- Your very talkative
S-People think you are so sexy
T-You are the best in bed.
U-You are really chill.
V-You are not judgemental.
W-You are very broad minded.
X-You never let ppl tell u wat to do
Y-One of the hardest gangsters alive
Z- your lovable

Andrea

A- Damn good in bed
N-You have a BIG warm Heart
D- Damn good in bed.
R- Your very talkative
E-You’re Super cool.
A- Damn good in bed

TRUE

God loves you!
God proved His love on the cross. When Christ
hung, and bled, and died it was God saying to the
world — ILOVEYOU!

To take up the cross means that you take your
stand for the Lord Jesus no matter what it costs.

– Billy Graham

THINK YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY…. check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
***

Still think you’re having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
***

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse…

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
***

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
***

STILL think you’re having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
***

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

If I were older I could tell you
If I were younger I wouldn’t need you
If I hadn’t had clung to you
If I had pushed you away
Would you still be here
Or would I stay

If I were you
If you were me
Would you want me to ignore you
The way you do me?
Or would we share memories of past
Would I even care

If I had your life
If you had mine
Would you size your beliefs
With what mine are

If I hadn’t had met you
If you would have never opened those eyes
We wouldn’t have to look through
The remains of this love
Trying to find ourselfs
Trying to find what we left behind
And move on

One-liners worth passing on…

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In two words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. SHIT HAPPENS!.

Accept than some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

If you can’t be the tablecloth, don’t be the dishrag.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.

I’m not just a gardener, I’m a Plant Manager.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There’s no real need to do housework — after four years it doesn’t get any worse.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

You’ll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Don’t hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.

Good news is just life’s way of keeping you off balance.

Don’t cook tonight — starve a rat today!

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.